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We all have conversations with loved ones that leave us hurting. Sometimes it is very clear that we have been hurt because the conversation became very loud. At other times the hurt occur ed in the middle of a moment of emotional intimacy and the other person from our perspective threw in an emotional spear that pierced our souls. There are times when we know that the relationship has become fragile and we are walking on eggs, afraid we will break something, and feel like we did. In all of this normally our friend or family member is feeling the same dynamic. Lost to find a way to avoid getting hurt and feeling defensive enough to swing back at what they see as attacks from us. Add to this many times that our relationships have professional and organizational aspects and the complexity of relating become filled with fear, doubts, confusion, and if we are not careful; paranoia.

So when we have a conversation that hurts us what can we do?

1. Put the conversation in the context of the entire relationship. Are we justified in thinking the worst of this conversation or is this relationship really healthier than the conversation we just had? If a relationship is basically unhealthy then a painful conversation is to be expected and we should not be surprised. If a relationship is basically healthy then we should become overly negative and instead seek to interpret the words in the best light.

2. Can we without doing some additional harm to the relationship seek to express our pain to our friend and seek a resolution? Is there some way to make peace with our friend or family member? If not, then what keeps this from happening? This problem is really what has to be solved.

If we go to our friend it may help to write things out.

a. What actually was said that hurt me. Explain how you understood these words.
b. Explain what you felt in response to these words
c. Define how you would like to resolve the hurt of these words.

3. Seek God’s comfort in prayer. God is our refuge and strength (Psalm 46). God loves us with an infinite love in Jesus the Messiah. While friends and family may at times abuse us and abandon us we are always secure in the love of our Lord (Romans 8:28-36). The Lord will comfort us and give us the strength to go forward if we seek help.

Being hurt in a conversation is a common thing. It is very easy for us to hurt one another with our words. It is important that we process such wounds since they can easily become areas of bitterness in our hearts and then lead to greater problems.

To be in human relationships is hard. People do not normally relate well. To have safe, secure, and satisfying relationships is something we all want but few of us find. People hurt each other much easier in human relationships than nurture each other. Even when we want to be intimate in friendships and families we find that injure the very peoploe we try to love.

There is no silver bullet that can solve all this. There is so many dynamics that impact a relationship. Every person brings their past and pain with them into the current situation. We do not come in as bland slates. We come in needing security and feeling that only by having power and control that we can be safe. Each person has also a ‘narrative” or story that they have been telling themselves about the other people and about themselves. This “narrative” creates the emotions which then frames how we understand each other. Many times we are not reading from the same script. It is like actors from different plays suddenly being put on the same stage to perform. Then there are those darker sides of our hearts. The deep evil that can poison everything we do unless carefully governed and monitered.

In the end all I can do is try to be sane, stable, and spiritual within my own soul and life. I can strive to think clearly, logically, realistically, fairly, objectively, and with empathy. I need to have humility to be sane. I need to know I don’t know everything and that what others think and feel has value. I need to be able to stay in this space of sanity on a reguler basis. Avoiding radical actions and denials we stay in a place of mental and emotional balance as a life style. A critical part of this is to develop a real spirituality in which I dwell in the presence of God in Christ where I can receive comfort, forgiveness, strength, and wisdom. As I begin more and more to be sane, stable, and spiritual; then I can offer this to the other people in my life. At least my part of the relationship is not unhealthy. That is really all the control I have.

Now part of the truth of this is that this will not keep me from being crucified by others. At times this happens. But other times I find myself in fellowship with others who also are seeking to grow in sanity, stability, and spirituality. Then we become family.

1Ki 8:39 then hear in heaven your dwelling place and forgive and act and render to each whose heart you know, according to all his ways (for you, you only, know the hearts of all the children of mankind),
2Ch 6:30 then hear from heaven your dwelling place and forgive and render to each whose heart you know, according to all his ways, for you, you only, know the hearts of the children of mankind,
Jer 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? “I the LORD search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.”
Mat 7:1-5 “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.
Act 1:24 And they prayed and said, “You, Lord, who know the hearts of all, show which one of these two you have chosen
1Co 2:11 For who knows a person’s thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.
1Co 4:5 Therefore do not pronounce judgment before the time, before the Lord comes, who will bring to light the things now hidden in darkness and will disclose the purposes of the heart. Then each one will receive his commendation from God.
Eph 4:29-32 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Jas 4:11 Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?
1Pe 2:17 Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor.

God alone knows the hearts of human beings. Because our hearts are deceitful our own self knowledge may be imperfect. Next to God, each of us has the greatest ability to know our own hearts and what motivates us in our words and actions. It is impossible however for anyone else to know what the thoughts and intentions of the heart of another person are unless they are self pronounced. When we judge the motives of people we take the place of God.
People are made in the image of God and therefore have dignity and deserve respect (1 Peter 2:17). Those in authority have been put in that position of authority by God and therefore deserve honor for being the one chosen by God to hold that position (Romans 13:1-5). We are to love other people even our enemies (Matthew 5:44). Part of loving another person is not to judge their motives but to give them the judgment of charity which is that we should believe the best motives for whatever they have done.
We live in a time when we do not know how to honor other people. We are not well trained in showing honor to authorities. We do not know how to disagree in an agreeable manner. We find it hard to season every word with grace, mercy, longsuffering, and patience. It is easy for our words to do great harm (James 3).
There is also the need of humility. We do need to judge ourselves and our own motives. We need to think more highly of others then we think of ourselves (Phil 2:3). We should be able to admit our own need to change and improve. We may even come to believe that others have something positive to teach us. It is possible that in the dialogue of ideas that we may actually grow if we do not assume we have all the answers before we begin.
We live in very polarized times. We see those who disagree with us as being “worthless” and “empty headed”, not recognizing that such judgments make us guilty of the sin of murder (Matthew 522). It is one thing to say we disagree with what a person says or does. We can and should judge an idea or action as wrong. But it is entirely different to curse one who is made is the image of God and fail to give them the respect and honor due them from God. When we do this we open up a dark door of vengeance and self righteousness which normally only leads to a growing escalation of abuse and eventually violence.
So let each of us each evaluate what we say and do in judging the motives of others. Let us strive to be peace makers in a world who has lost its taste for peace. Let us guard against gossip and speech which is cynical and belittling. Let us pray for those we disagree with and treat them with the respect that God has ordained we give to them. Then we will be salt and light in the world and a source of healing.

Sanity is the ability to know the difference between reality and illusion.

The struggle is that at times sanity is very painful. It confronts us with painful truths. Death, sickness, rejection, abandonment, and abuse. We fear that seeking reality will kill us. We believe to survive we need to lie to ourselves and deny the truth.

But the illusions begin to have a cost. They begin to create more pain. We also find ourselves lost in our illusions. At some point we do not know who we are.

So we must make sure we see all of reality. The glass half full as well as half empty. Then reality becomes a comfort as well as a challenge. We must come to be content with what really is true. This gives us the sanity we need.

How do we deal with false accusations that are made against us? Such experiences are not easy. We feel angry and confused because we do not understand why someone would falsely accuse us. It is easy at this stage to become defensive and attack back.

The first thing to do is to correct the wrong message. If it has been made public where you feel slandered then you need to make a simple and nonjudgmental statement of your innocence. Next you need to go to the source of the wrong information and see if you can find out why they felt they needed to communicate to others a bad impression of who you were without talking to you first. You need to be a “peace maker” but recognize that it takes two people to make peace. Many times we can only set the boundary of confronting in love and then we will have to turn the other cheek. When someone has decided to be your enemy then only God can change that. We must love them and bless them but we cannot change them.

Finally, we must release our hurt and pain to God in prayer. We must ask God to protect our reputations. We must mourn the lack of love and trust people have for us. It is a time to be sad but remember that God loves us and is working in our lives.

Psa 69:20

Reproaches have broken my heart, so that I am in despair.   I looked for pity, but there was none, and for comforters, but I found none.

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Most of us at times find ourselves in times of despair and depression.   These can be either caused by outward circumstances, abuse by significant people in our lives, or by inner condemnation of our own being or actions.   At such times we feel crushed by the weight and the inner pain we feel inside of our hearts and souls.

Recently a man cam in to talk to me.  He had lost his business, his wife, and his children lives were in  a mess.  He had gone from being a “success” to being a “failure” in a fairly short period of time.  The inner voice inside of his head was one filled with self condemnation and anger.  His health was suffering, he had anxiety attacks, and he was all but paralyzed as the banks threatened to foreclose on his home. 

What could he do?  The first step was to carefully define what was under his control and what was not under his control.   His wife had made a decision to be unfaithful and leave.  This was outside of his control.   His business suffered the impact of the general down turn of the economy.  These events were really outside of his control.  He had to not believe that there was some magical way that these events could have been avoided.  Such thinking wasted his energy and produced false guilt. 

His children were making poor decisions.  What could he do about that.  He could be sane, stable, and spiritual today.  The only thing he could do to help them was to strive to be the most healthy dad he knew how to be today.   In fact the only thing that was under his control was himself.  By watching his self talk, practicing meditative prayer, centering himself in the love of God, and believing that there was purpose in all the pain then the inner feelings of fear and anger could be curbed and more positive emotions nurtured.   These emotions could help him to begin to seek positive answers for today.

Depression is one of the most common problems we face.   To fight it we must first see what things were under our control and which were not under our control.  We must begin to put our energy into those things that we do have under our control.  Above all we must seek the Lord to be our helper and comforter.   These steps can step by step take us out of the depths of our despair and produce in us new hope.